When I was younger, I remember dating women who made me jump through hoops just to be in their so-called “magnificent” presence; can you hear my sarcasm?

In today’s dating climate, especially on social media, many women can come across as demanding and overestimating what they bring to the table. This can give men the impression that women are fundamentally difficult and only interested in money, bad boys, or looks. While this may be true for some, it certainly isn’t true for all. I believe that most people are good, but you have to be a good person yourself in order to recognize and attract those who are also good. As Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., a relationship therapist, says, “Being friends with your partner means you value each other’s company, enjoy spending time together, and communicate openly. These are the pillars of a strong and lasting relationship.”

It’s important to clarify what I mean by being a good man, as it’s very different from being a “nice guy” who is a pushover. Women are interested in men who are kind, not cruel; confident, not cocky; firm, but not petty. A good man doesn’t tolerate disrespectful behavior from anyone, just as he doesn’t dish out disrespect himself. A good man is courageous but not controlling. When you live by these principles, you’ll naturally distance yourself from women who only want to use you for financial gain or who are with you for shallow reasons.

So, what does a real, healthy relationship look like? You need to find someone you’re happy to be around beyond just sex and looks. One day, both of you will grow old, and when the looks fade, what will keep you attracted to each other if not the heart and soul? The ability to laugh and cry together, to share stories and tender moments—these are the elements that hold a relationship together, not superficial things, which are merely illusions. As John Gottman, Ph.D., an expert on relationships, puts it, “In a successful relationship, friendship is everything. Couples who are friends are more likely to build a strong foundation of trust, intimacy, and respect, which are crucial for long-term happiness.”

My partner and I can talk about anything; we’re each other’s best friend. The only time we’re truly polarized is when I settle into my masculine energy and she into her feminine: in the bedroom. This polarity offsets the familiarity of friendship outside the bedroom. For a relationship to go the distance, you need both safety and familiarity, as well as distance and polarity. Too much of one or the other can be detrimental. As Esther Perel, a well-known psychotherapist, notes, “A healthy relationship is one where both partners are not only lovers but also friends. Friendship in a relationship provides the emotional safety and support needed to navigate life’s challenges together.”

I’ll write more about the polarization technique in a relationship in another blog, but for now, the main message is to be with someone you genuinely enjoy being around, even outside of the bedroom.